Yippee Ki O! Do Orgasms Make Us Better Moms?

• Being a mother doesn’t mean that there is no woman in yourself
• Mom vs woman
• Advantages of having fun

Time spent at the ranch with The Cowboy means lots of…talking. Yeah, talking. Right. See, out there, there’s no television. There’s no city. It’s just us, and our…um…brains, and this weekend one of the topics that came up (*cough*) was: «Why do women have orgasms?»

From a biological standpoint, the female orgasm seems mysterious. Certainly in many of our Latino cultures, and for far too many of our Latino men, the female orgasm doesn’t even exist. And truly, we could certainly survive as a species without it. I think of the horrible specter of a koala bear mating I once saw on a nature program. The cute, cuddly koala male was ruthless in taking the female, rather like the pigeons I have had the misery to observe at a certain underpass in Albuquerque. It doesn’t look like fun, but it works. There are new koalas and pigeons born all the time.

Lies

But there must be a point to our lovely Os. And, of course, there are many theories about it. Scientific theories.  For much of recent history these theories have been tainted by the fact that most evolutionary biologists were males who thought randy human females were the only mammals that had orgasms. (Turns out they were dead wrong about that, and most female mammals—and particularly primates—have earth shattering orgasms, too.)

There are theories about the uterus contracting helping to draw sperm into the fallopian tubes, et cetera.  However, I would like to posit a theory of my own, which is valid for this column and this site. Put simply, the female orgasm was designed to make us human beings better moms. Yes. That’s right. Here are the top five reasons Miss Alisa thinks the female orgasm makes us all better moms.

5. Easier Childbirth

Okay. Let’s be honest here. Anyone who has been through a pregnancy knows that the third trimester brings a surprise with it—or at least it did for me. Increased libido. I’ve read that this is designed to strengthen the uterus (which contracts during orgasm) in order to aid in pushing the child out when the time comes. That’s where the benefits to motherhood of the female orgasm begin—but absolutely not where they end.

4. More Relaxation for mom

According to the Journal of American Medicine, women who have regular orgasms are more relaxed as people. And as any mother of a challenging child (um, that would be ALL children) knows, being relaxed is one of the keys to keeping your cool and not losing your temper with your kids. O more, smile more. It’s really that simple.

3. Better Sleep for mom

Women who have regular orgasms have much better sleep patterns, according to the Journal of American Medicine. As all of us moms who have been sleep deprived will attest, you cannot be the best mom in the world on no sleep or poor sleep. The better you sleep, the better you mother. Period.

2. Less Junk Food

Orgasms in women produce phenetylamine, a hormone that regulates appetite, and studies show that women who, um, come in bed are less likely to come into the kitchen on a ravenous hunt for junk food. A healthier mom is a better mom because healthier moms aren’t as tired or cranky.

1. Less Pain

Orgasm in women releases lots of endorphins, the pain-killing chemical made by our own bodies. A good orgasm will make you forget your pain. A mom who isn’t scowling through her headaches is going to make for happier kids. Now, all of that being said, we cannot ignore the fact that nearly half of all women in the United States report some sort of sexual dysfunction—meaning that for whatever reason lots of us aren’t letting ourselves have orgasms, even when there’s nothing physically wrong with us.

For those of us raised within the confines of strict Latino cultures that put women into two categories only (virgins who don’t like sex and make good moms, and whores who love sex and make terrible moms) this number might be even higher. Maybe knowing that God or nature designed you to have orgasms, and that the benefits of having them make you a better mother, could be just the boost you need to put a little more energy into chasing that sweetest convulsion, guilt-free. Happy O, y’all.